Okay, Andrea Joyce, this one's for you (so you're not the only one being vulnerable and talking about your coochie ).
So my hubby took my daughter to the zoo, leaving me home alone in a quiet house (a rarity), when a lightbulb goes off, and I decide to pull out the home waxing kit a friend gave me as a gag gift. With no one around and bikini season looming, I plugged in the wax. My hooha was in for a treat. I was only one step away from being bikini-ready lickety split.
Or so I thought. Hours later, I find myself sitting on one of the blow up donut pillows we sent women home with after giving birth, nursing my wounds and numbing myself with an ice pack, slathered in aloe vera fresh from my garden. I learned a few things the hard way.
Mistake #1. DO NOT apply hot wax without testing the temperature first. Hot wax burns the bejesus out of you. And yes, that burn sticks around and looks butt ugly.
Mistake #2 Make sure you let the wax cool completely. Otherwise, it will not come off in one fell swoop of paper ripping. Instead, it leaves a gummy hornet’s nest of sticky, hairy, tangled goo that scissors can’t cut and additional strips won’t remove.
Mistake #3 Go out and buy nice skinny wooden applicators, rather than using the ginormous 2 x 4s they include in the kit. Trust me on this one. It’s impossible to craft a porn star landing strip with a tree branch. Without a nice delicate wooden applicator, you’re gonna have to settle for the Telly Savalas of bikini waxes.
Mistake #4 Make sure you put your head hair into a hair clip before proceeding with a bikini wax adventure. When the wax meant for your pubes ends up in your locks, it’s ugly.
Mistake #5 Don’t use the fancy schmancy hair cutting scissors you use to cut your bangs to chop out clumps of wax-laden pubic hair. Your gummy scissors will end up in the trash can, stuck to the toilet paper you tried to use to mop up the extra wax.
Mistake #6 Don’t skip the talcum powder they recommend using with the home waxing kit. And make sure you load up on that wax removal product they suggest too. Since my waxing was a spur of the moment decision and I had neither of these products, I proceeded with optimistic caution. Bad idea. So there I am, pubes tangled in the equivalent of chewing gum, careening buck naked through the kitchen trying desperately to find utensils or products that might rescue me from my waxy nightmare.
Mistake #7 Avoid all alcohol while waxing. Halfway through this ordeal, last night’s leftover margarita, which was still in the martini shaker from the previous night’s Mexican fiesta dinner party, seemed like a very good idea. Which reduced my inhibitions and resulted in Mistake #8.
Mistake #8 Vegetable oil does not clean up bikini wax. Sure it works great to remove the beeswax I use for my art. But bikini wax plus vegetable oil equals bloody disaster (literally, by this point).
Mistake #9 Make sure you pee before you start waxing. Nothing like acid on a wound to send you through the roof.
Mistake #10 Think twice about whether you really want to be a middle-aged woman with the va-jay-jay of an eight year old. I have to say, I felt robbed.
And don’t get me started on the bald spot on my forearm or the look I got from my housekeeper when I tried to explain why there was wax all over the kitchen floor. All I can say is thank God the dog was too frightened by my experiment to hang out anywhere near me, or I might have turned my white fluffball bichon frise into one of those bald Chinese crested oddballs.
There you go- a reminder that even those of us with medical degrees are human beings who can be total idiots. Vaginas humble us, don’t they? Needless to say, the moral of this story is this- if you opt to wax your pubes, PLEASE. Do yourself a favor and seek professional help.
How's that for being vulnerable? What about you Pinkies? Got any vulnerable stories you want to share in the spirit of removing our masks and being real?
Big PINK waxy love to you all