Non-Specific Grief: A Problem or a Signpost
You lose a job, a husband, wife, child. There are gobs of suggestions on how to deal with these losses. I've written some myself. Some of these suggestions can be wonderful and powerful. I think however that sometimes out of these specific losses and sometimes out of nothing at all comes a non-specific grief. This is a grief that doesn't necessarily lend itself to "How to deal with the loss of a spouse." It can be at times an overwhelming and yet somehow vague feeling of loss that is incredibly hard to define. It is a grief that oftentimes we do learn to live with but it is like having a tiny bleeder somewhere deep in our body that is slowly sapping our life away.
Yes, losing that spouse or job is very real and there are issues to be dealt with concerning that loss and its implications. But many times something darker and deeper starts to get hold. Maybe it could be called the loss of possibility, or the loss of a dream or the the loss of feeling that we can make a difference. Maybe it could be called those things or maybe not. That's what makes it so difficult to deal with. It's hard to put this loss into words or thoughts. It becomes really an existential loss; something that reaches into the bone. Just being "positive" in the superficial way we love to say that word isn't going to get it done. Even though that superficial "positive attitude" term is sometimes actually annoying, within it does lie a grain of truth, a hint of what must happen. But because so many of us are enamored with the simplicity of just staying positive, we run from the work that must be done and the vulnerability that must be faced. I actually believe this non-specific grief can transcend individuals. It can become a group type of suffering, even a societal ailment.
This would be the point where I would start giving some great insights on what to do. I've got a PhD in Counseling. I've worked for years with people dealing with specific losses. I've
dealt with my own losses. But I'm sorry. I don't have nice pat answers. I do think that somewhere in this process of dealing with this non-specific grief we must explore Mystery. We must engage The Mystery. Instead of embracing simplistic solutions we must embrace the complex to find the simple. Perhaps we need to not look at this feeling as a problem but as a signpost. If we see it always as a problem we then look for solutions - specific, all embracing solutions. If we look at it as a signpost we go deeper into the woods to discover something that we just have a hint of, but something we know is critical to our spirit.
Tags: Grief, Loss, Mystery, Positive
Views: 42
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by etsen tessmer on -
A sign that it is personal, and not something that 'must' be defined by others to be justified. An individual's experience...that needs to be honored for its own sake. A realization that repression of our own real feelings needs to be respected as valid and not 'threatening' to someone else or some other idea of what is 'right to express' at the time.
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Permalink Reply by Heidi Mead on -
Wow, thank you for this. I experience this sort of vague feeling and just push it away - or at least I did until recently. I've decided to reinvent myself and your article really helps in that process.
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Permalink Reply by Anna Costello on -
It becomes really an existential loss; something that reaches into the bone. Just being "positive" in the superficial way we love to say that word isn't going to get it done. Even though that superficial "positive attitude" term is sometimes actually annoying, within it does lie a grain of truth, a hint of what must happen. But because so many of us are enamored with the simplicity of just staying positive, we run from the work that must be done and the vulnerability that must be faced. I actually believe this non-specific grief can transcend individuals. It can become a group type of suffering, even a societal ailment.
yes...exactly--that's exactly it. I've never heard it explained so clearly. When I've tried to express that, I'm told that I'm being cynical and I need to think even MORE positive. Yet that feels unreal. A cop-out. Bad things DO happen and we DO have to deal with them.
Perhaps we need to not look at this feeling as a problem but as a signpost. If we see it always as a problem we then look for solutions - specific, all embracing solutions. If we look at it as a signpost we go deeper into the woods to discover something that we just have a hint of, but something we know is critical to our spirit.
Yes, YES! Let me be sad, for gods sake! Just let me be sad and ponder this out. Don't drag me to a party to lift my spirits when I'm THIS close to discovering a truth that can only be discovered by going deep within--brooding if you will. I've been sad before, I'll be sad again. It's NOT the end of the world. I'm not going to pull a Sylvia Plath. LEAVE ME BE. For now, not forever. Don't abandon me. Understand--I need this time of darkness to understand the light and not be blinded by it.
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Permalink Reply by Heidi Mead on
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I really hear you Anna. The other day I had a bad day. Just a bad day. I was very emotional for some reason. A friend asked me how I was doing and I mentioned that it was just one of those bad days. She began browbeating me about taking anti-depressants and was absolutely outraged when I said that was not what I needed. Some people don't understand that a good cry is actually good for you sometimes. At least it is for me. My mom used to say that tears washed your soul. It doesn't kill me and I'd rather be in touch with my real feelings, whatever they are, and not in a pharmaceutical haze. Now, I'm not saying that anti-depressants aren't effective for some people - necessary in fact. I have a friend who is bipolar and really cannot function without them. But they shouldn't be the first answer all the time. I want to feel what I feel. I want to own it and get through it. It's always darkest before the dawn, right?
Anna Costello said:
It becomes really an existential loss; something that reaches into the bone. Just being "positive" in the superficial way we love to say that word isn't going to get it done. Even though that superficial "positive attitude" term is sometimes actually annoying, within it does lie a grain of truth, a hint of what must happen. But because so many of us are enamored with the simplicity of just staying positive, we run from the work that must be done and the vulnerability that must be faced. I actually believe this non-specific grief can transcend individuals. It can become a group type of suffering, even a societal ailment.
yes...exactly--that's exactly it. I've never heard it explained so clearly. When I've tried to express that, I'm told that I'm being cynical and I need to think even MORE positive. Yet that feels unreal. A cop-out. Bad things DO happen and we DO have to deal with them.
Perhaps we need to not look at this feeling as a problem but as a signpost. If we see it always as a problem we then look for solutions - specific, all embracing solutions. If we look at it as a signpost we go deeper into the woods to discover something that we just have a hint of, but something we know is critical to our spirit.
Yes, YES! Let me be sad, for gods sake! Just let me be sad and ponder this out. Don't drag me to a party to lift my spirits when I'm THIS close to discovering a truth that can only be discovered by going deep within--brooding if you will. I've been sad before, I'll be sad again. It's NOT the end of the world. I'm not going to pull a Sylvia Plath. LEAVE ME BE. For now, not forever. Don't abandon me. Understand--I need this time of darkness to understand the light and not be blinded by it.
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Permalink Reply by Jenny Boykin on -
Okay, this is too fabulous. I have been interested in this topic for years, since the death of my infant daughter, Grace, 19 years ago last week. In fact, just this morning, I posted a "retro jenny" piece about The Spiritual Booby Prize of loss and suffering. Here is the link if you are interested. http://www.pluckycharmed.com/2011/03/15/the-spiritual-booby-prize/. There's another one on there about Grace's birthday too. http://www.pluckycharmed.com/2011/03/01/imaginary-grace/
It was the "Existential Loss" that gave me pause this morning.
I would love to learn more about your work. And thank you, for beautifully expressing the bereavement experience.
Jenny Boykin
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Permalink Reply by Scott Sheperd PhD on -
Thank you for contacting me. I sent you a note on your website. Your writing is very powerful and insightful.
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Permalink Reply by Anna Costello on
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I remember telling my spouse once, a few years ago, to please give me a break on something (I don't remember what) because I was going through a particularly rough time with inner child work: back to the time when my mother died, which I'd never properly grieved.
He said: Anna, you are always in some sort of crisis, and you never get any better and you never will.
Turns out he was right, but not for the reason he thought. The reason I wasn't getting any better was because I was still living with HIM.
It's funny and it's not. It's very serious. I've been depressed all my life. Really, I can remember being a little girl, sitting at the dinner table with a bunch of relatives and suddenly feeling total despair. At the age of like six or seven! These waves of depression overcame me several times throughout my girlhood, and I never figured out the reason, except that I was born with a chemical imbalance.
So I've also got this tugging from the "all-natural" side that says if I'm really well, I wouldn't need to be on anti-depressents or any meds at all. I answer that with, "you know, I've been a chemical factory since my early 20's. The list of meds I've been on could fill a book. There's no POINT in trying to go "natural" now. My body wouldn't know what to do with natural. I'm a child of the 60's/70's.
Where am I going with this? The awful vagueness of some of my depressive episodes. I've never ever gotten depressed over someTHING. Life happens, and my emotional state is what it is independent pretty much of the circumstances of my life--holy shit what did I just type????
No wonder I'm not making an effort to improve my life. Now that I'm away from the immediate cause of my distress (my spouse) and not in imminent danger of dying (the house is not on fire) I'm saying I can be happy no matter WHAT my circumstances.
And that's what I decided when I was a little girl. When I was afraid--terrified--of being trapped in a dungeon someday. I could handle anything, as long as I could escape into my mind. My own fantasy world of stories and characters where I controlled everything--the author of my story. Better than any book or movie, although I can escape into those as well.
Wow, dude, thanks...I have to gnaw on this...whoa...a big piece of dead sea fruit to chew indeed.
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Permalink Reply by Anna Costello on
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Jenny, I don't know if I should read your blog or not. I've been finding I'm way to empathetic, to the point of taking on the anguish of the person whose story I'm reading. I've avoided reading anything about Japan and the earthquake/tsumami for that reason, as much as my heart goes out to them. I've been accused of being cold-hearted. Actually, I become stunned, numbed, I dissociate. The lights are on but no one's home. Is there any wonder I became a substance abuser? Get me out of here! Beam me up!
Today I'm re-training my little girl. When her mommy died no one told her what to do, how to handle her feelings. No one was there to re-assure her that things mommys normally do when girls grow up would be taken care of. Because they weren't. No one was there. I had tons of female relatives. My mother had tons of female friends. Not one of them gave a thought to me, orphaned at 13. Well, left with my father and brother, which was worse. They mocked my female self. She never had a chance.
How dare they? How dare they leave that precious little girl all alone to deal with such a dangerous load of pain?What on earth were they thinking? I feel a big cry coming on...which is good. I need to dispense this rage it's too old too long too pointless. It's eating me up and holding me back and it needs to go away. And it will. Goodbye, Rage. Thanks, Pinkies.
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Permalink Reply by etsen tessmer on
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a lot of us are not encouraged in the face of a mystery, only told what to do...and then what we can do ourselves becomes a mystery--and takes on a scary tinge. and we then become afraid of ourselves as well. but daring to go beyond that state can be exhilarating, because at least we empower ourselves to find out what we are made of, what is possible 'out there' for us.
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Permalink Reply by Scott Sheperd PhD on
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I so agree etsen
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Permalink Reply by Allison Carr on -
But because so many of us are enamored with the simplicity of just staying positive, we run from the work that must be done and the vulnerability that must be faced
I couldn't agree more! A wise teacher once said to me "we cannot experience any of the emotions in their fullest potential, unless we are willing to experience them all". We can't have the ecstasy of joy unless we are also willing to dive head first into despair. Loss is one of the great Mysteries. Especially when it comes via death, (perhaps one of the greatest Mysteries?) So many of us are hungry for meaning, we need to let go of our fear of despair, especially if it is directing us towards deeper meaning.
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